" ? "

is it just imaginings
or yearnings of the heart
is my soul unsettled
am i falling quite apart

am i searching for new meanings
in a world that is surreal
am i phasing in - or out - again
just so that i can 'feel'

is it just imaginings
of things once stored away
have i lost control of them
and they've returned to play

is it time to believe once more
that pain is held at bay
is there hope for love again
before the end of day

questions, questions everywhere
no answers surely clear
my instincts lead - i follow

reaching out, i hold no fear

Goldeneagle

Goldeneagle

The sun hovered a moment longer than usual tonight;
Just before it set - one last sparkling moment of daylight;
A reminder of the warmth and the light that surrounds us.

In this moment I saw a bird rise from the horizon and soar
Not hampered by gravity; gracefully rising from the earth to the sky
Reaching for the unknown - floating beyond sight.

Moving from this world to the next - in that last gleaming light
Paused for but a moment to lovingly look back;
Grateful for the life he lived - for family and for friends.

Goldeneagle - a US veteran from Alaska died tonight after

a long battle with cancer.

He had a good heart that lives on in his family and friends.

( in memory of John Mullins July 26, 2010 )

DYSFUNCTION

DYSFUNCTION
The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

The quote above is one of my favorites from Despair.com.

I have it on my desk at work, and on one of my bookshelves at home. It is a constant reminder that somewhere in the world there are most probably several people in therapy today just because of me!!! As easy as it is to blame others, or the world at large, for mishaps, I seem to have also been present for all of those events that could be described as "less than satisfying".

Now I know perfection does NOT exist; I tell myself this many times a day in a futile attempt to asuage my guilt for not being just that; perfect. I don't even come close to the letter "P" in the word. I fail with family, friends, coworkers, gaming, and neurosurgery almost daily in one way or another. (ok - so I have never tried neurosurgery, but I am SURE that would be a failure also so I do not put anyone at risk to prove my point).

I think one lesson to learn from all of this awareness might be humility. Sometimes all you can do is say you are sorry, ask forgiveness, and try to do better next time. Not as an 'excuse', but as an attempt to grow. If you are always apologizing after the fact, and repeatedly performing the same way, there is no longer meaning to your words. I struggle every day with pausing for that most important moment BEFORE I say or do something "again" .

On the other hand, it IS fun to piss off people from time to time - but I also find that mostly to be about me wanting to control the outcome ( like I don't really know what will happen lol ) or me wanting to inflict hurt when I am the one hurting.

deep breath - and pause ....

There really is value in the silence between words!

* cute * (in an email from my niece Emily)

If you wake up in a red room
with no windows and doors,
DON'T panic..

you're just in my
heart

Where do we go?

Where do we go…

when we die…

when our bodies no longer inhabit this world?

Where do we go?

Do we view a highlight reel of our lives in the waiting room between life and death? Do we cringe at the moments we wish to redo?

Do we clap when we view a kindness we shared?

Or do we wait for a moment, or an eternity, in silence?

Do we look down and count the people lost

in their tears and their memories of us?

Do we count the number of friends and relatives

who come to grieve?

Do we look back at all,

or look ahead towards the light and wonder?

Do we find ourselves surrounded by darkness?

Do we cease to exist in every way the moment we die?

When it is over, is it really over??

The mystery of death…we do not know until we experience it,

and in experiencing it we can no longer share our story.

The living find comfort in the beliefs they share.

We are in a better place…

we are no longer in pain…

we want for nothing…

our ‘spirit’ lives on.

Perhaps we are recycled and born again…

perhaps we observe the living from afar?

Perhaps … perhaps not.

Nothing makes it more apparent that we should treasure every day

than when it is one second too late.

We have heard it said a multitude of ways

- ‘we shall never pass this way again’ –

a moment cannot be relived.

Do not fear death; fear not living.

Live fully each day and love unconditionally,

like there is nothing you would rather be doing.

There really isn’t…

found this one .....Happy Father's Day to all !!!

What Makes A Dad

God took the strength of a mountain

The majesty of a tree
The warmth of a summer sun

The calm of a quiet sea

The generous soul of nature

The comforting arm of night
The wisdom of the ages

The power of the eagle's flight

The joy of a morning in spring

The faith of a mustard seed
The patience of eternity

The depth of a family need

Then God combined these qualities

When there was nothing more to add
He knew His masterpiece was complete

And so, He called it ... Dad

~Author Unknown~

Gentle Reminder

Gentle Reminder

There are some human beings whose lives intersect our lives – whose very presence humbles us. Someone who every moment of the day cares so very deeply for friends and family and strangers. A person whose love stretches out across the distance, whether we measure in miles or in milliseconds. They never forget to say ‘hello’; they never forget something publically important, or privately held dear. They offer a shoulder to cry on, an arm for support, a life to share, and the deepest sincerity in all they do. They are the unsung hero; if we were to gather up all of the largest and tiniest things they have done for others during their lifetime - it would fill the universe!

There are some human beings who bring us to tears with their generosity of spirit. They tear at our hearts begging us silently to be a kinder person, a more caring human being, a person striving to live a deeper life. Gently we are reminded by the little kindnesses they show to everyone, that everything we do truly does matter. They come and go in our lives, sometimes unrecognized, but always leaving behind breadcrumbs for us to follow. Casting the seeds in our souls, asking us to see the opportunities around us for sharing …sharing a smile, sharing our hearts and sharing our tears… but most of all unconditionally sharing our hearts.

Today I was graced by the presence of one so humbly gifted. Today I am a better person for witnessing this man in action…he makes me want to be all that comes so natural to him. Thousands of miles away he lives his life. The ripples reach the farthest shore.


5/30/2010
dedicated to GRTONE
an Alaskan whose heart melts the cold
and beckons the sun to shine!