DYSFUNCTION

DYSFUNCTION
The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

The quote above is one of my favorites from Despair.com.

I have it on my desk at work, and on one of my bookshelves at home. It is a constant reminder that somewhere in the world there are most probably several people in therapy today just because of me!!! As easy as it is to blame others, or the world at large, for mishaps, I seem to have also been present for all of those events that could be described as "less than satisfying".

Now I know perfection does NOT exist; I tell myself this many times a day in a futile attempt to asuage my guilt for not being just that; perfect. I don't even come close to the letter "P" in the word. I fail with family, friends, coworkers, gaming, and neurosurgery almost daily in one way or another. (ok - so I have never tried neurosurgery, but I am SURE that would be a failure also so I do not put anyone at risk to prove my point).

I think one lesson to learn from all of this awareness might be humility. Sometimes all you can do is say you are sorry, ask forgiveness, and try to do better next time. Not as an 'excuse', but as an attempt to grow. If you are always apologizing after the fact, and repeatedly performing the same way, there is no longer meaning to your words. I struggle every day with pausing for that most important moment BEFORE I say or do something "again" .

On the other hand, it IS fun to piss off people from time to time - but I also find that mostly to be about me wanting to control the outcome ( like I don't really know what will happen lol ) or me wanting to inflict hurt when I am the one hurting.

deep breath - and pause ....

There really is value in the silence between words!